Spam is, unfortunately, a fact of life. When it poses effectively as real mail, however, it becomes a fact of life that there is no escape from spam that does not entail dramatically draconian measures. Such measures are now a feature of Going Private's sophisticated interactive feedback system (read: reader mail). The quantity of spam has lately begun to clog the inbox and even, on occasion, bounce mail because Going Private had its "quota expended." I have, therefore, directed our mail servers to institute strict "white list only" incoming mail policies on the inbox.
If you attempt to gain access to the inbox and have not already been "white listed," your email will be relegated to the "junk mail" folder. You will receive an error message when this happens. At this point there are only two methods to extricate yourself from an ignominious fate (in all likelihood purging of your message without a second thought):
1. I notice your email and because I am so fond of you I add your address to the "white list." (Vanishingly small, but non-zero, probability of occurrence).
2. You follow the instructions on the error message which urges you to click a link to the "human authenticator" to verify that you are probably not a marsupial. Your mail will be delivered and all subsequent mails will be delivered until I tire of your ranting and remove you from the white list. (High probability of occurrence).
I was originally going to apologize for the circumstances that caused me to institute this witheringly annoying policy, but it then occurred to me that the creation of these circumstances were, in fact, not even remotely of my making. The credit actually belongs to Mr. Gary Chang, Director of Business Development for "Pocket Change," along with Pocket Change's CEO, Mr. Jeremy Abelson. A quick review of the email exchange involved should leave faithful Going Private readers informed about the challenges that face the management of Going Private in the battle against idiocy and unsolicited commercial email (though I admit these terms are somewhat redundant).
(Please foward [sic] to Director of Ad Sales)
I hope all is well. Pocket Change is a growing e-publication that covers the most exclusive items in New York and Los Angeles.
We are establishing a very unique self-servicing ad network with which we will call REX URBIS. It will serve as an exclusive consortium of online publishers that reach a young and urbane audience. We have already received a tremendously strong response to this network from a number of our advertiser contacts.
As a member of REX URBIS, you will obviously garner additional ad sales and revenues. However, unlike traditional networks, you set the price and you will be able to also sell network media to support your own campaigns and pitch for larger contracts.
We are only offering membership to a small and selective group of publications at this point. We really respect what you do; otherwise, you would not be receiving this email. I would like to set up a call or meeting and bring in our CEO Jeremy Abelson as well. Thank you in advance for your time and we look forward to doing business with you.
Director of Business Development
212.671.1100 x 104
Now take me off your fucking list.
From: "Jeremy Abelson (PC)" <firstname.lastname@example.org>
To: Equity Private, email@example.com
Date: Thu, 31 May 2007 12:40:19 -0500
You're also not on a list, this was a personal communication. I urge you to review the doc Gary attached. You have no advertisers currently, not great traffic, but what looks like a good audience for us. The doc talks about putting ads on your site for you...
De-stress, not Distress - you're not that special or sought after.
From: Equity Private
To: "Jeremy Abelson (PC)" <firstname.lastname@example.org>
Date: Sun, 03 Jun 2007 18:50:06 -0500
I am NOT your sweetheart, fuckwit and I am perfectly relaxed.
A personal communication? Yeah, that's why it was directed to the (very vague title of) "director of ad sales." (Also, you spelled "forward" wrong).
Your program could not possibly generate enough revenue even to push me from the "sleep" level of consciousness up into the "waking sleep" level of consciousness, much less actually get me out of bed in the morning.
In future, please take pains to keep your actions consistent with your assertion that I am not "that special or sought after," by failing in any way to contact me again. If you stop to think about it, this is the most logical step for you at this point (and the one with the least downside).
In the meanwhile, take your spam, your documents and your ads and go pound salt.