...but you can't pick the friends of the deal. We're in the midst of a larger-than-usual deal for us and we have, therefore, latched on to another firm with whom we intend to co-invest. The problem with co-investors is that you have to deal with co-investors who may or may not have similar ideas about how to approach winning the deal. They may or may not want control of the deal. They may or may not want control of the company. They also may or may not be complete assholes.
My "counter-part" on the collaboration to buy a company that makes, let us just say, complex polyvinyl chloride pipe fittings, is a young man I will call "Phil." Phil seems like a nice enough guy when you meet him. Educated in the West (not Stanford, don't worry) and generally polite. But beneath that calm exterior lurks a dark vein of bitterness, studied manipulation and jealousy. A insidious and ugly nastiness that, contrasted from Armin's own reality distortion field that bends time and space in his immediate presence and even opens wormholes into a parallel universe where everything always works out perfectly, overwhelms even the brightest, most wise and powerful forces of good. This makes him ideally suited to be a professional in a buyout fund. Other than this small "absolute evil" thing, he's really not a bad guy. Maybe he's just not my type.
Early on when staking out strategy to approach the deal with we had a 6 person conference call with 3 from Sub Rosa, including Armin and me, and 3 from "Phil is an Associate Here, LLC." That went spinningly. Then, Phil came into Sub Rosa's offices. Mind you, this takes place in Sub Rosa's offices- Phil is a guest.
1. Sub Rosa Offices - Boardroom
Elegant but functional offices punctuated by a variety of antique pieces of furniture and decor that to the trained eye will be revealed as overly valuable for their purposes, specifically, the day-to-day operations of Sub Rosa, LLC, a mid-size leveraged buyout firm. Present are:
Equity Private, Vice President, Sub Rosa, LLC
Craig, Summer Associate, Sub Rosa, LLC
Enter from Double Doors: Phil, Associate, "Phil is an Associate Here, LLC."
Phil: "Ok, let's get moving." To Equity Private: "Hey, can you get me a cup of coffee, honey?"
Equity Private (stunned): "Excuse me?"
Phil: "You heard me. Black, sugar."
The tension in the room is thick. 15 seconds of silence while Equity Private and Phil lock eyes.
Craig: "I'll get it."
Oh, dear readers, that was just the beginning....
