Things Are Not Cool

I am not at all quite sure what to make of "Things Are Cool," except that I think it's pretty uncool.  Is it a joke?  I'm unsure.  Things start to go south quickly for me once the author claims to be dating me.  I find this alarming because I was not actually informed I was in a relationship.  Apparently, the sex was equally unmemorable as I have no recollection of it whatsoever.  We must have had a lot of vodka beforehand.  Are you in finance?  Was I any good?  Then there is the picture of "me."  I seem to have spent too much time in a tanning bed and lost all sense of fashion since I started this relationship.